midlife crisis when the fog lifts

If a mans crisis was caused by self-esteem issues due to getting older, he could find himself coming out of midlife crisis fog without having dealt with the core But THIS MAN isnt him. Next begins a repeated internal dialog of the rationalizations over and over again in their minds. In no way am I recommending telling your H you want a D unless you are prepared to do it. Not sure why. Linda: I should not have done that. But yet he refused to leave. I am a bit older than you (my children are teens) but here is my observation. Trying to be perfect. I do fear nights that he starts to not come home at all. You are free to make your own decision. So, when he arrived home at 2am last night I lost it. They are just blinded at the moment. DO NOT ASK IF HE IS LYING. Yet he CONTINUES showing that what he does want is this other life, going to the bar, hanging out with people I dont even know. He threw in the towel. And then I was calling the shots. But i knew waking up this morning that it would be right back to me feeling like im some weak girl and he calls the shots. But the 180 specifically says no matter HOW you feel today, do not show it. I didnt respond, and I continued driving, just listening to music, thinking. We also had a discussion a while back on how to get the cheating spouse out of the affair fog, and quite a few BS chimed in as to what worked or didnt work in their own situations. After he proposed, he saw the nude pics from before. I always felt thats why he was unhappy, because he had to supress his demons for so long. A curious and frustrating (for the BS) frame of mind the cheater goes through while in the midst of their affair. And then I lost all that power the minute I invited him back. But part of me just puts so many random puzzle pieces together and thinks he is lying. All things he may not even think about, but that I OBSESS over now bc I just want him to SEE ME again. Hang in there. Its wholly infuriating once you realize you had so much power to fight back and didnt, and you realize they put you there and manipulated you to keep you there, too. And when I do go home and he is there, he is so short with me as if I annoy him or have done something wrong. So I was alone with my counselor. I keep hoping he wakes up and gets it. You are not HIS support system and back up plan. But you are NOT allowing him to cheat. I wanted to know if there is a way to contact you via email..? his view on me became totally negative, and that started to change recently. I think at this point he has multiple OW and is making bad choices but they are his choices not yours. Best of luck keep posting -I honestly believe in my heart you are doing the right thing. I go from being extremely nice to him, to being bat shit crazy and screaming about OW. Instead of feeling satisfied, however, he felt trapped. I got home last night and he was home from work and he was in a great mood. Everytime I start getting over that feeling and starting to love him again, he accuses me of cheating, I get angry and irritated and I go find comfort in someone else. I lived with that for 6 long hard painful months. His affair had nothing to do with me or our marriage. But it is a calm rational approach. And if he leaves you or you separate or D it is his choice. Midlife Crisis I can totally relate. I wish I had not been so trusting. And I just hate it bc I TRULY know I am a good woman. I feel like I am beginning to hate him, so I am SURE he is continuing to see me negatively. I said to him you are a grown man. Its hard for me to pinpoint what I did that caused you to get out of the fog because I dont really know when you got out of the fog. Trying to be supportive. Now he claims he never mean it and he was only trying to take her to the bed (yeah like if that was easier to eat). It helps him continue the affair. I want a family life that he used to want and he no longer wants that. I know how frustrating and devastating that is to hear. trouble is the tunnel But no matter what I dare say your H is a coward. For two months I acted controlled and transparent. I redefined our marriage and I stopped being a doormat and put myself first. No way. Join us as we explore the real struggles of midlife health, and learn how to I dont care what they think I just called you on something without getting upset or angry. I really no longer cared. Maybe bc he is out of town. I cannot understand. Im glad I found this blog, so I could vent safely! Yeah, did not like that. (I Believe) this has been going on for about 5 months. As previously mentioned, no two midlife crises will look the same, even among people of the same gender. You tell him you want to talk openly and honestly. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING you do will push him away. So there was nothing I could do to change his mind or his heart. I was calm and practical and told him if he does not want to be married any more (after 25 years) feel free to go. You rug sweep his A, never again ask questions, allow him to wander in at all hours of the morning and expect no answers about where he has been etc. Its a sad sad state. You tell him you know he is lying and that you are expecting this conversation to be honest and truthful. Determined to make my life happy again. He was trying his hardest to put me and our marriage first. Fast forward seven hours later, and were walking into an awesome 55th surprise party including 40 family and friends that Id been planning for him for three months! I told him to leave. I did not over react. That is where I was st DDay2. And because of all those lies, they cant even reason with him about everything he is giving up. He started to see me again and enjoy me, and now again the last week its like nothing I do is right. I was done with his crap and lies and cheating ways. I had to call the OW to find out the truth and what was going on. You can do this. of course not. Im sorry for rambling! Then soon after that we started to have sex again, then things started to move back to us being together again and I think it spooked him as soon as I pressured him to not be out too late and stick to his word about things. and if I dont invite him then im afraid he will throw it in my face and say it hurt his feelings. WebIt was devastating news to say the least. We had sex almost every single day, but for one serious shower day, when She could stay clean for 24 hours at least during the week. Tried and true solutions I learned the hard way. He had you in limbo. I even thought about packing a bag and just running away from everything and everyone and starting afresh. No kids, no responsibility, party lifestyle etc. We have come a long way and he has worked hard to gain my trust back but I sure do miss the innocent trust that I once had! You dont forgive him and its swept under the rug. Biggest mistake I made was letting him be in control of us and me. I told him I know you email her. There are a lot of things that people have to consider about reality. Knowing what I know now, things would have been very very different. Their beliefs are reflected in their actions; loving to the affair partner, and angry and hostile towards the betrayed. I was dating an highly ranked law enforcement figure and things were not adding up so I researched and found out he was happily married the whole time. But we all know that bars, single men and women (out without their spouses or significant others) and alcohol can be a lethal mix of temptation and possibly more. I say If you want out of this marriage, YOURE going to be the one to make that happen, as I WILL NOT! I was calm and collected, until I started talking about that I was worried about how his dads impending death will affect him, then I cried. Yesterday he asked me where all my friends have been. He understood that, he did not get mad, he just was very clear that they are not speaking. I know im supposed to be living my life for me, but its more like im living my life TRYING to do what I think will open his eyes. And if hes NOT worried about losing you trust me b/c I have experience in this he may continue this pattern indefinitely. He answer negatives, so I guess Ill cling to that! But really what else am I supposed to do? In particular, shes committed to helping decrease stigma arou Do not let him blame you for any results b/c that is blameshifting and cheaters love to cast the Blame for their A on everyone else. I dont know..well see how it goes. I just get so much comfort and enjoyment from food, its my only solace (besides God). I then realized it never ever had anything to do with me. Im not saying he is cheating now. It took me 20+ years to get my H to see that his behavior was disrespectful. I could stay busy ALL the time, go be with my friends, when in reality, I want to be home with my baby. I didnt really want to talk, I said I didnt feel good and was going to work from home. I felt like I could do anything bc we just supported eachother and we had eachother no matter what. She needs to make her decisions on her own and I doubt that she really moved out to find herself. Perhaps thats a small part of the reason, but I bet she did more so that she could spend more time with the affair partner. Dont engage in conversations you dont want to. You cannot rationalize with crazy. He was impressed by how close my family was, he became a part of it and he loved it and it was like he felt such pride in me as his girlfriend, 5 years later as his fiance, and 6 years later as his wife. And sometimes I feel like when all is said and done, he is going to finally see this for what it is and see how WRONG this affair was and how much he has disrespected me. Had he pulled this crap before the baby I probably would have told him to kick rocks, get his shit together, and get back to me when he woke the hell up and realized what a mistake he was making. Nothing you said or did can justify or excuse him running to OW. He has completely convinced himself he is I told him I see now that we want different lives. How is he rewriting history SO much and saying these things and feeling ok about it? Hell, I wish THE FIRST TIME I saw a text from her 8 months ago I had kicked his ass out and let him see what life was like without me before the baby came. I literally thought my H started using drugs he was so out of character. And I went along with it. And the fact he never has done anything to make amends shows you EXACTLY who and what he is. That was just over a year ago, and he never did come back. You just told me not to obsess over her anymore and here I am completely obsessing. Stay busy, work hard, be nice to him, be upbeat, DONT worry about what hes doing on his phone. Finally, we would really like to hear from you about what you think has to happen to get the cheating spouse out of the affair fog so they can begin to behave more rationally and realistically. He said he loved her, but I didnt see hesitation in him leaving the OW. I love him, probably too much. Unfortunately he used all of my suggestions against me with the OW. Midlife Crisis: When The Fog Lifts, What Happens Next If your partner is going through a midlife crisis, youre probably anxious for signs that theyre coming out As for the trick, I think & come into conclusion that only a million or more of cash & with save us, period. No fight. The longer the 180 goes on the more likely it will be that you will no longer have hope of Reconciliation. Boo Frickin Hoo! Its EXHAUSTING. I told him he had to leave. I think you did the best thing given the options you had. It can lead to a renewed marriage. Its so scary. I think i was pushing her further it to his arms. (Mine did too), He expects you to dig serrp the whole thing. Your observation that you would have been replaced may be accurate. When the next loser girlfriend finds out who and what he really is, it will came back to bite him. It can be turned around. Its not him TRYING to hurt ME, its him just WANTING other things MORE than he wants the marriage. At some point if this is too painful and nothing changes you may want to decide to separate. After going through months and months of the fog, a lot of times, its just too much pain. That being said there are things the spouse can do that can cause further damage during the fog. She was 40 my husband 58. What is that about? Disengage from all of it. And he deep down is having serious anxiety about what his future will be without me and his kids. And he CONSTANTLY asks me if I want to go do something with my friends and he will keep the baby. Hahahaha the stuff that come out of his mouth was unbelievable and so far from reality. We are still together b/c he realized at the last possible second I was leaving him. Its been a few weeks since ive written. We were over- marriage, life etc. It seems that were high on commitment but low on intimacy and passion. I lived through a 4 year EA my H had with a girl in grad school. DO NOT mention the A or EA or whatever he is doing. I have no clue. What is terrible is that your H is keeping you in limbo and not putting his M or you first. First he stayed bc I had a bad cold and he helped through the night with the baby for 2 nights. But in an altered state they believe they are fine. b. Who cares about that? He thought I would wait for him to decide what he was going to do. I dont know. If hes making that choice NOW when your M is in need of life support then he would most likely be making that choice 6 months from now. Why did you literally WASTE the prime time that the window was wide open for reconciliation, instead of literally waiting to really get it when the window was closed down to the last millimeter, only furthers the feeling that Im completely taken for granted and will likely never know the truth. A view from the other side - Various Fog stories In reality he was seeing the OW again and he did not believe he needed it. Quite often the reasons exploredfor this unusual and often moody, hurtful behavior run the gamut from depression to midlife crisis to temporary insanity. But i do feel that way. He suddenly realized what an idiot he was and how screwed up he was. He will clean up the kitchen while I sit reading a book. When you become less available you may see a change. My CH never said that wanted to leave our marriage, just have fun with somebody else. We didnt discuss it, I think I just made it seem ok so he did. Dishonest. Im truly living in limbo, with a 5 month old baby, and the love of my life, who no longer looks at me like he used to. That is the first issue. And i felt like I was completely doing it alone. I dont know why I am doing anything I do these days.
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